Creating Peace With The Four Agreements - Week #16 of The Awakening Journey
We are getting deeper into the rabbit hole, friends. I would say this piece goes to the very core or root of how we operate in the world. Are you ready?
What are The Four Agreements?
The Four Agreements is both a book and also wisdom that has been kept for thousands of years by the Toltecs and their wisdom keepers. Don Miguel Ruiz is the Toltec who published shared this wisdom in his book, The Four Agreements.
For our family, this book is a must-read, and we’ve probably read it at least 3 times!
The Four Agreements support the setup of our containers. The containers in our lives that hold every conversation, situation, relationship, meeting, and organization.
In his book, Ruiz states that these four agreements are a solution to getting out of hell on earth. When we don't follow the Four Agreements, we create and experience, struggle, suffering, and discord.
What I want you to get out of this
What I really want you to get out of this is a deeper level of awareness of how we create our experience of suffering. And I want you to get how important this is to create your own bliss.
And last, to experience this work and your container so you can fully integrate it into your life.
Setup to the Four Agreements
The words we use matter. The word is powerful, it is a sacred contract we make with ourselves, the people around us, and our higher power.
When we use the word for good, life is good. When we use it for bad, terrible things can happen.
For example, consider gossip and how often we use it, often to connect to others. You might think, I don’t gossip. I know I have worked on this quite a bit.
Yet, I just caught myself doing this recently. It was a very small thing actually. I was chatting with one daughter and the other one came up in conversation. Seems harmless, right? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
What it can do is create cracks in the containers of our relationships. There is a breach. Trust is eroded.
And, If I am gossiping with one, even in a well-intentioned way, she knows I could be speaking about her later to the other sister. [Of course, I immediately owned the impact and cleaned it up with both to repair the container.]
This is a simple example but there are many places in the world where we are using the word and creating divisiveness and disconnect. Just look at politics, media, health decisions, and after the last two years, we even use the word against our neighbors.
Let’s go a little deeper here:
Think of how we use the word against ourselves. The little voice in our head - the voice of criticism, judgment or fear. Every time you say to yourself, “I can’t, I’m wrong, I screwed up, etc.” this is using the word against ourselves. And we beat ourselves up again and again for mistakes we’ve made.
“Animals suffer only once. We make ourselves suffer thousands of times over.” Don Miguel Ruiz
What is the solution?
The solution is actually deceptively simple. We choose to clean up our container at its’ core. We adopt these four simple ways of operating in the world and we make it a part of ourselves.
So let’s get down to it without further ado.
The Four Agreements
Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity and say what you mean. Don’t use the word against yourself and don’t use it to gossip about others.
Don’t take anything personally. It’s never about you. It’s always about that other person and their experience of the world. Remember our talk about Projection (link back to that post)? This is where it shows up.
Don’t make assumptions. We are meaning-making machines. Our brains are wired for it. It has helped us survive. And yet, we don’t have to believe our assumptions as absolute truth. This is a must.
Always do your best. This is one of the hardest because we can always argue and are programmed to do so, that we can always do better. This gets us in a vicious cycle of not being present and looking for what’s missing.
An example of breaking all the agreements
I was talking with someone who is in medical school. He has to apply for his residency soon and was making comments about “all these other talented students and how their talent makes it so much harder for him”.
I pointed back to a time in childhood when he was invited to travel & play ball at a high. When he walked into the competition location, he felt surrounded by so many other elite athletes and his younger self felt intimidated. Right then, he made an agreement with himself “I don’t belong here with these other kids”.
And he has been in alignment with this agreement ever since.
This agreement he made not only was he breaking agreement number one, being impeccable with his word, he was also taking it personally.
In the case of this medical student, he was making assumptions about others being more or less talented than himself and as a result, when he takes his application, does medical boards, he probably won’t be doing his best.
What happens when I honor the Four Agreements?
When we honor these four simple agreements, we literally create heaven on earth. Peace. Life is simpler.
For me, problems and people that have plagued me for days or decades fall away from my life by adopting these agreements. Or if the people didn’t fall away, they just stopped bringing drama to me.
In the case of the medical student, once he was clear about what agreements he was unconsciously following, he went back and made new agreements. #1 - He is just as talented as the other medical students. #2 What they do doesn’t impact him #3 He is going to do his best on his applications and boards.
How do you do this?
No, it’s not magic. I didn’t just read the book and poof, problems all stopped.
There are times when I have to say “Friend, I’m practicing being impeccable with my word. So I will engage with you in a conversation about this after you share this with that other person first.”
Honestly, I didn’t have to do this for long. Once I started saying directly to people “I am being impeccable with my word so I will not participate”, it was wonderful! People stopped gossiping around me. Life was more peaceful and I felt more energy not being dragged down by that black magic.
Waking up to old toxic agreements and breaking them. Creating new agreements in alignment with who you are now, and honoring these four agreements is your part of your work in the awakening journey.
This Week’s Practice:
Print or write these four agreements and post them somewhere.
Make an agreement to practice them for the next week & see what happens.
Assign an accountability partner
Teach them to someone
You can listen to the audiobook here for free.
Next, we will talk about Cleaning Up Your Containers, in the meanwhile remember the present moment is where your best life happens.
With love, presence and gratitude,
Darla