From Narcissism to Being The Light

People are talking a lot about narcissists or toxic relationships. A colleague of mine just asked me about my own experience with toxic relationships and narcissism. She had been stuck in an unhealthy relationship in her life and only after working together for a while did this realization come to her. She asked me “What is your estimate of how many narcissists there are? What percentage of the population?” Because apparently a therapist or teacher was recently talking about this and estimated it was 30%. My colleague seemed to think it was much more. And yes, seemingly in the news, highlights are often on big loud personality types who get a lot of attention. Instead of answering her, I’ll tell you what I said. 

[But before I share it I want to add this disclaimer: If you think you're in a toxic, abusive, or narcissistic relationship. Even if there is just a lot of sarcasm it is still considered abuse. You need to get out of that relationship because it is impossible to get over a toxic relationship while you're still in it. You will just continue to reinjure yourself when the other person is voicing all their toxic energy on you.]

So circling back to her question, here is my answer: It matters less how many people out there are toxic, or are narcissists because we all have inner narcissists. We all have a tiny little baby narcissist inside of us. That is maybe the cousin to our egos or created by the ego.

Focusing on, talking about, and continuing to point to, how many narcissists are actually out there, puts us in a defensive posture right here and right now. It’s like we are preparing our argument against something. And what you resist, persists.

And - It puts us on the defense and the focus is on the narcissist not ourselves.

The funny thing is that ‘all conversations lead back to the narcissist’ because seemingly not only are they like vampires, they suck your blood and your life, your energy, your confidence, and sometimes your finances and all those things. But they also suck the life out of conversations. If there is a toxic person or narc in your life, you go back to them in one way or another again and again. (A little flag in case you are wondering if someone is abusive or narcissistic.) 

It’s Time to Flip The Conversation 

Number One - remember that you have to give your permission for this to happen, you choose to be with this person. And you can choose differently:

So here is what really matters - take a look at the thing that matters most to you: where you can do the work on yourself and heal yourself and live as a light in this world and light up other people. Living your purpose, being fulfilled. 

Because when you are living light, that narcissistic/toxic relationship falls away from your life. 

This is the conversation that I had with my colleague just recently. 

She then asked me, how long does it take to heal from narcissism? 

And again: in that question lies that the focus is really on the other person because healing from someone else is defensive. 

Instead, focus on your own healing (on a broader scale) because there most definitely is room for healing. We can all create space for healing. Pause and focus on the healing, on releasing emotions. Then, be your own light.

Now, does that mean toxic people never enter back into my life? I told my colleague that toxic people/narcissists barely and rarely ever enter my life anymore because I've done the work. Because I've done the healing. And while this is true, there are always new lessons to be learned…

Lessons from Personal Experience

Funny enough, the exact same day I had this conversation, I got into a situation with a toxic person which greatly impacted my new business, my finances, and my team.

In retrospect, I probably could have paid more attention to the signs of what my body was telling me. I made a snap decision about purchasing a product from this person. After signing the contract, I felt unsettled. And I noticed that I was avoiding something there, I didn’t want to talk to the seller, I didn’t want to pick up the product so I delegated the pickup to someone else.

When my emissary arrived to pick up the product, it was not at all what was promised. And when we attempted to discuss this discrepancy with the seller, she got very ugly. Looking back, it became somewhat obvious why she had pressed me to sign the contract quickly and had even asked for a deposit before the contract was signed. The signs were there, I simply wasn't slowing down to pay attention to them. 

So it was a whole thing. My team and I had several meetings and it was very intense. People were upset and emotional. There was a lot of money on the line. 

The seller refused to come to any kind of compromise or even discuss working it out. Which, if you have any experience with people like this, you know can be indicative of a toxic relationship or a narcissistic person because they are convinced they have no flaws. They are always right.

At that moment, so many things could have happened. I could have beat myself up. I could have felt pity for myself, or judged, “How am I in this position again”? 

As you can imagine, my ego wanted to have a field day. 

My team and I had expended significant resources to obtain this product. I easily could have reacted and been triggered. Honestly, I noticed some PTSD and had the option to relive all the times that I've been in this situation where someone took advantage of my trusting nature. 

Instead, I chose to slow down, go inside and ask myself what emotions are arising and might just need to be released. 

There was definitely some sadness and grief. But by really going to stillness, drawing upon my own consciousness, and trusting the universe has my back, I was able to pivot. I made the hard decision to let this product, this investment go. 

Now, it was a lot of money, so I'm not going to say it was easy. But, in that moment I committed. To release any trapped emotions. I committed to living and being the light. Not getting sucked into the vortex of this other person, but being my light. 

I became the light and reassured my team that it was going to be okay, there was a lesson here to be learned. 

I then turned to my daughter who was with me during this whole ordeal and said to her: “Here's what I learned: I learned to pause and slow down. Listen to my body. Watch for the signs and confirmation. Lean into my team and listen to my gut, my intuition.” She looked at me and said. “Those sound like very valuable lessons. I’m surprised you didn’t lose your mind, that’s a lot of money.” 

Keep on reading because the story doesn’t end here.

Dark Clouds and a Detour 

As we had this brief exchange, we were driving on the highway. There was a storm coming in and the sky had gotten very dark, very quickly. We were on our way home and there was a detour, so we had to exit the highway.  

As soon as we exited, we made a right turn. And just as we turned the corner, we looked in the sky, and amidst the dark, was a giant rainbow. Beautiful. Bright, vibrant. Just a slash of a rainbow. Not the whole arc, not part of an arc. It was actually very straight. I've never seen a rainbow like this, fat and so bright, and I've definitely never seen a rainbow in the darkness like that. 

I took this as confirmation.

Confirmation that when there's a detour in life when things don't go as expected and everything feels dark, and clouds are around everywhere, what we need to do is slow down and choose to BE the light.

And That’s when rainbows appear. Big, giant, bright, vibrant, beautiful rainbows. 

My daughter and I just stared at the rainbow for a moment. And I was so present I didn't even get a chance to snap a picture to share with all of you. Was it a sign from the universe? Who knows? But I am taking it as a symbol of the power of this truth of my commitment to my own light shining.

A few minutes later, two members of my team reached out and demonstrated how this financial loss was actually going to be a way to be cost-saving. And that was very powerful. 

Choosing to be The Light

When you are your light, you don't need to worry about the rest of the world. I'm encouraging you to get yourself into a safe place. Where you can heal, where you can choose empowerment and you most feel like yourself. Don't stay in toxic relationships. Whether that's with the significant other or in a work environment. Cut your losses and move on. 

If you focus on living your most fulfilled life, your truth, your purpose, and being your own authentic self, your light is so bright that narcissists or anybody else cannot infiltrate that. 

Your light dispels the darkness. 

Your challenge for this week

Slow down.

Be your version of light and love. 

This naturally dispels darkness and you don’t have to worry or do anything.